Insecure

I can be really insecure sometimes. I was looking back at a journal entry I wrote a few months ago, and this sentence was the opening line: "First of all...honey...stop Googling all the reasons that people might hate you."

I literally did that.

Things That Annoy People

Why Do I Annoy People?

Am I Annoying?

Those searches were in my Google search history.

I am more secure than some people, and less secure than others, but it doesn't define me. Having insecurities drives me crazy, but I have been trying lately to love myself more, and I think that part of embracing my insecurities is being open and honest about them. I have to be careful about who I share with, so you might be wondering why I blog about it. 

I choose to blog about it because writing about it makes me feel better. Once you get your thoughts out on paper and into the open, they're not as scary anymore. It also gives other people the opportunity to be like, "Hey, me too!" Not only does it make them feel less alone, but it makes me feel less alone. 

 

I can be such a perfectionist. My biggest, deepest, darkest fear in life is that one day I'll end up truly alone in the world. My warped thinking, aka my ego, says, "Nobody can be annoyed by you if you're perfect." Actually, everyone gets annoyed when someone thinks they're perfect, or at least seems perfect. 

I have found that self-awareness in relationships, especially when I mess up, helps me feel better about myself when my insecurities come out in relationships. For instance, if someone comes to me and says, "Kathryn, you text me a lot, and it's overwhelming. I feel like you constantly want my attention," I can be like, "'face palm.' Sorry. I do that sometimes. I'll back off. Thanks for letting me know!" Hard conversations can become a lot easier when you know who you are, and it can be easier for others to have hard conversations with you. They can just be blips on the radar.

I came back today and looked at some old blog posts that I wrote a few months ago. I gave up on them, because I thought that my writing was no good. As I was reading them over again today, bracing for the worst, I realized, "Hey, these aren't so bad." I mean, I had to do some minor editing, and I completely deleted one post because I didn't like how I sounded on my soap box for something. But, still. I'm competent. 

Spill the beans in the comments section about your biggest insecurity. I'm dying to know, and so is everyone else. As I said above, everyone is looking to feel less alone, even if they don't realize it.